Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Maybe this is me!

Being only seventeen, not a lot of people believe in you, or your power. They say they do, but honestly they still see you as a child. But even though so many people still see me that way, one person did not.... my mother. She believed in me enough to help me start up a small etsy shop. She took me to the bank to open a checking account. I deposited all of my money. We opened a P.O. Box and a PayPal account. I posted almost everything I've made....and in just a few short hours 28 people have seen it. Nothing sold.....yet, but hey! It's a start.

Thank You mom.....You mean the world to me. You've pushed me to do the things you knew I could.

Monday, May 13, 2013

An apology to those who deserve it.

With only a week left of my junior year of high school I can feel the anxiety setting in, slowly but surely. My hands shake, and when I'm confronted with why i use the ever-so-popular "Oh, I just didn't eat breakfast this morning and my blood sugar is low."
And to top it off, I've lost the person I considered my "best friend" for the majority of my life, and still I have no one to run to. I'm everyone else's lifeline, but where is mine when I need it? Wheres my giant net under the tight rope? I know exactly where, under everyone else's feet while they're safely sitting on their rope taking a breather. "Go forward! It only gets easier." I scream to everyone while my arms are flailing about trying to regain my balance.

Right now, the only person I can depend on is me. I have to encourage myself to move forward and not let the girl with the non existent confidence push me down. I'm better than that, better than her. Better than her boyfriend who tries to ruin my life.

I'm sorry me. I apologize for letting things come before myself. If people want to talk, let them. Just know, in your hardest times you will alway be ten times the person they will ever be at their best. 

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Essays, Essays everywhere.

Another last minute essay written, And now a 20 minute long presentation due in less that 2 weeks. Exams, exams, exams! Turn in this, turn in that.
Since when did the end of school become the most difficult part of the year? Oh wait, I remember. When I began HIGH SCHOOL. DUM DUM DDDUUMMM
I remember when end of the year meant taking the stupid practice SATS and then you really didn't have to anything, but now that real life is creeping closer everything is getting to be so much more difficult. You have to make sure your grades are tip top so maybe, just maybe you can get into a good college and hopefully you can get out with a little less debt consumed years.
Maybe it's just me, but the stress of school and jobs and all that stuff has seemed to control our lives a little more and more and the instant you have to start planning for college it seems like all of your friends suddenly turn into droing zombies , but instead of "argggg" as their vocabulary staple it all turns into a mish-mash of the words money, debt, scholarships, A.C.T., S.A.T, college, school, real world.
And then you see that their grades and school have become so necessary to their life that their basic needs for human survival and sanity have been pushed to the side. Sleep? Who needs that when you have a seven page essay on The Grapes of Wrath due in 3 days even though you had no time to read it because of the Calculus test you have yet to study for because of the Club meetings you HAD to go to.
And in the middle of all of this you can start to hear you hair fry, and your bones grow weak. Your eyes start to droop more and more. Your school work is now more important than you because you're so terrified that if you don't do every single thing than its just a mental health day from living on the street. You teachers grow angrier at the students that decide to nothing, telling then that their not going anywhere because they can't even manage to put a pen to paper. They embed the ideas into your brain that if you even miss one assignment then you're standing straight on the path of becoming a nobody.
Maybe we should sit down. Look at yourself in your mirror that you have no time to clean because of the stacks of AP Government homework. Just look. You're a teenager. You are not a piece of homework, or and essay. You are a person, a person that is tired, and stressed. A person that needs to take the time to say "No, I'll turn that essay in one day late."
You must realize that you can't please everyone. You must put yourself first sometimes. Before the school work and the after school clubs and sports and realize that you have needs. Needs that need to be met like a good nights sleep, or an actual meal.
Your mental sanity and personal health is way more important than any sheet of paper.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

It's a man's world, baby.

"What if all women were bigger than you? And thought that they were smarter? What if women were the ones who started wars? What if too many of your friends had been raped by women wielding giant dildos and no K-Y Jelly?What if the state trooper who pulled you over on the New Jersey Turnpike was a woman and carried a gun? What if the ability to menstruate was the prerequisite for most high paying jobs? What if your attractiveness to women depended on the size of your penis? What if every time women saw you they'd hoot and make jerking motions with their hands? What if women were always making jokes about how ugly penises are and how bad sperm tastes? What if you had to explain what's wrong with your car to a big sweaty woman with greasy hands who stared at your crotch in a garage where you are surrounded by posters of naked men with hard ons? What if men's magazines featured cover photos of fourteen year old boys with socks tucked into the front of their jeans and articles like: "How to tell if your wife is unfaithful  or "What your doctor won't tell you about your prostate." or "the truth about impotence "? What if the doctor who examined your prostate was a woman and called you "Honey"? What if you had to inhale your boss' stale cigar breath as she insisted that sleeping with her was part of the job? What if you couldn't get way because the company dress code required you to wear shoes designed to keep you from running? And what if after all that women still wanted you to love them?"
-For the Men Who Still Don't Get It, Carol Diehl

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Laughter is the only drug I need

When you're in highschool there's usually one thing that you always hear about. No, it isn't the work that's due the next day. It's who's doing what drug.
In my small town there are very few things that are available to do without driving almost an hour away, and because of that most of the teenagers have turned to drugs. While I don't exactly agree with it, I've smoked here and there, but I never found it very appealing. Most of the time I did it so I could escape for just a moment. But then I sat down and thought about it. Why did I stop? Because I became someone completely different. I wasn't a terrible person, I just wasn't me.
Since I've stopped I've been so happy. I've found a wonderful man, my grades have improved and I've gained so many friends. But some of my friends are still into it. For example, last night my boyfriend calls me and told me what was happening to one of our friends. He had taken around 10 pills, no one is really sure. But he spent all night in the bathroom, puking, and when he finished he couldn't even stand up. He gets everything from his girlfriend who also doesn't like it but says she does it to make him happy.
We're all going to get together and talk to them soon, hopefully to make them realize what is really happening.
Maybe everyone will realize whats going on. 

Friday, April 5, 2013


This will be short. This will be sweet, well not so much.
I hate school at times. Just thought you should know.
From chemistry with people who just don't seem to understand but yet can't seem to take the time to put their phone down.
To the forced poetry that I can't seem to finish because it isn't from me.

SIGH. Oh life, please look up. 

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Four letters.

The word LOVE has suddenly become so cliche in the life of a teenager. So often you can hear the simple word reverberate through the off-white walls in the florescent lit hallways of the ever so boring place called high school. Girls collapsing because her boyfriend just sent her a text message that tells her "we need to talk". "He was the one!" she screams. But just last week she was holding hand with a different boy. Who really knows when the puppy love of high school is really true something that will last? Does it have to start with a grand gesture? Or maybe something simple like a red dress and a tray of brownies?

Is there really any way to gauge how long a relationship last or is it all a game of chance? Are you tying yourself to a spinning wheel and letting the other person toss the knifes, hoping and praying that their coordination is intact, just closing your eyes and trusting that their knife won't pierce your heart.
Yeah, its true. He elbowed me in the ear
on the day he asked me out.
Smooth move (:
My answer: You can't plan when it comes to love. If you write a play in your head of what it's going to be like you're always going to be let down. Life, love and people are unpredictable, and that's okay. Unpredictable leads to surprises, good and bad. While you may hate the bad parts of life, remember, without difficult days how would you ever learn to appreciate the good days. Little things are the ones that make everything so special. Like when the boy you like rides a roller coaster with you and you're both so mind numbingly nervous because you've no idea what to say, and while he may elbow you in the ear on accident it's pretty much guaranteed that you'll never forget that day.
But then again, how do you KNOW when it's real. Is it when you feel comfortable with the person?When the person who never lets anyone see her without makeup will spend the day with her boyfriend in pajamas and chap-stick? Are you truly in love when you start to become fearless? When you feel like you can concur the world, but only with them by your side?
Here's that only thing I know for damn sure: I have absolutely no idea when it's real, true love. Like I said before, it's unpredictable. When you start to feel blind just grab your cane and keep on walking, because even though its uber-chiche, love is blind. You're never going to be able to plan exactly what's going to happen. Just learn to except the fact and practice walking with your eyes closed. Be prepared when you fall and scrape your knees, and if your lucky, you'll have someone there who will help you up, pat off your bum, kiss your boo boos and push you forward.
Happy travels.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Chasing my dreams, and then falling on my face.

If there's one thing that everyone should know about me, it's that I hate running. Literally. I HATE it. So therefore I'm not to good at "chasing my dreams." It's very common to hear people say that you are your own worst critic, but I don't think some people completely understand that some of us are SUCH critics that it breaks our dream apart. I'm not just saying that you drew a picture and you thought it was horrible but everyone liked it. No, I'm talking about when you can't decide what you want to do with your life because you don't believe you're good enough, smart enough, or talented enough for anything. I'm told that I'm a good artist, I don't believe I'm talented enough. I'm told that I'm so pretty, that I should be a model...No, I'm not pretty enough. I'm told I should be a lawyer, that I would rock at that job...nah, I'm not smart enough. Singing? Nope, can't sing. Actor? C'mon, how in the world could I ever get famous?
Every dream I ever start to build on, I somehow being to break it down. I'm terrified to go to college. I;m scared to get a job. I'm scared scared sacred of this and that. OF LIFE.
And trust me, I've talked to people and I've gone through counseling. yeah, none of that worked. Someone's mentioned medicine...That's not happening, I barely even like taking Tylenol. But I'm working at it. I'm getting better. I've actually started looking into working in the beauty industry, like selling and merchandising because let me tell you, I LOVE MAKEUP!
I'll keep you posted on the progression or regression on that one.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Victim Shaming is not okay.

No one asks to get raped. Ever.

A wave of art #3-4

 How I love my mice. Let me count the ways.
I don't know why, but lately I've become more and more active with my art supplies. It's so liberating to finish a piece of work and step back, take a deep breath, and know that you made that.
Lately my girls have become my inspiration. Enjoy.


The 'overbearing' boy not so next door

"fan mail" sent to me from a Tumblr user.
*picture and (some of the) username
cut out for privacy
Most girls can remember back in yester-year when you would watch the movies where the girl was with the "wrong guy" and her best friend/admirer finally gets her to break up with her beau and they fall happily in love once she realizes he's the one. Oh, be still my heart! How I yearned for such a beautiful love.
Now that I've grown up and noticed the kinks in those romances..yeah, not so much. From young girls, we were force fed the idea that women should be chased. (not down a dark alley, but that's a whole other post) But when does the innocent flirting begin to go overboard?
As an active user of Tumblr, I do receive a message here and there, sometime's it from lovely people who are pushing me forward, telling me Good luck and God speed! Sometime's it from not so lovely people who aren't so positive, but most of the time... It's from this gentleman. I'm not trying to say in any way that he's a bad person, the conversations I've had with him were very polite. But he knows I'm in a relationship, in fact I've talked about Rocky in multiple conversations, and yet I still receive messages like these.
 I can't exactly put into words how these messages make me feel. Wait, yes I can...UNCOMFORTABLE! It feels as if they're getting progressively...I don't want to say harsher but I'm drawing a blank with my inner thesaurus/dictionary. It's escalated from talking about each others blog and snow and now it's messages like the one's above. I mean, come on, he lives on the other side of the country and now he's wasting his wishes for me to move in next door like in a 90's film.  
Do you have any idea how I can make this stop without being rude?

Friday, March 22, 2013

Liebster Award! ohhhh how exciting.

A wonderful, beautiful person has nominated me for a Liebster Award! Her blog is, and to say the least she's absolutely hilarious. When it comes to reading her blog, to me it's like a good book, You just can't stop. She thought I was good enough for this award! Now, what is a Liebster Award you may ask? The Liebster Award helps new bloggers with less than 200 followers to become recognized. How amazing is that? 

Now I must do a couple of things in order to win. 

1) Share 11 things about yourself. 

2) Answer the 11 questions that the person who nominated you asked. 

3) Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, as long as they have under 200 followers too.

 4) Come up with 11 questions to ask the 11 people you nominate. 

5)Thank the person that nominated you and include a link back to their blog

Yippeeee. Let's hit this dusty trail.

Eleven things about myself:

1) I'm a Junior in high school.

2) I love movies.

3) I have and odd obsession for "unusual" animal. (i.e. Mice, Rats, Sphinx Cats)

4) I'm closer to my friends at school than my actually family.

5) I still watch cartoons everyday.

6) I cry every time I watch Charlotte's Web

7) I'm technically a middle child with one half brother(22) and one half sister(1)

8) I have 3 mice (Whisky, Bourbon, & Patron)

9) I love anything that has to do with the ocean.

10) I want to become a Marine Biologist, or an art teacher. Yeah I know, big difference

11) I'm sad to finish this list because I love talking about myself because I always find out 

new things.

Answer the 11 questions that the person who nominated you asked. 

1)What month were you born in?   February

2)What's your favorite holiday?  Christmas

3)What country would you like to travel to the most?  Ohhh, That's a hard one. I've always wanted to travel the world. I mostly want to go to third world countries so I can give back to them.

4)Is there a celebrity you're sick of hearing about?  Kim Kardashian. I mean really, you have all that money and you're going to spend it on a blood facial. Don't you know there's people starving?

5)Favorite flavor of ice cream?  Vanilla

6)Do you have pets?  7 to be exact

7)What is your astrological sign?  Aquarius

8)What kind of movies are your favorite?  Cheesy horror films.

9)How often do you wear makeup?  Almost everyday. I love makeup

10)Are you a morning person?    No.

11)Who inspires you the most in life?   My boyfriend. He has such a positive outlook on life. 

11 bloggers that I nominate are:












The 11 questions for the people I nominated.

1) What do you think makes you unique?
2)Who is your bestfriend?
3) Where do you want to visit the most?
4) What is/was your favorite subject in school?
5) What is your favorite animal?
6) What is your favorite thing to do on the weekend?
7) Do you have any hobbies?
8) What is your favorite band?
9) What is your favorite song?
10) If you could do anything right now, what would it be?
11) What inspires you?

Thursday, March 21, 2013

A Wave of Art #2

While ignoring my copy of Grapes of Wrath, my paint is being used quite lovingly. Spring Break is doing wonderful things to my artistic side. I've completely abandoned my old ways of drawing everything first and thrown my caution to the a safe way.
My biggest dog, who I refer to as my wonderful box of rocks, Emery helped quite a bit with this piece. The white "scratches" all over the background where inspired by his multiple claw marks throughout the house.  I've always found them sort of pleasing.
As for the woman, well, I don't know where she came from.
I guess it's time for me to put my paint brushes down and pick up the Grapes of Wrath. Hopefully I'll finish it before Spring Break is over so I won't have to listen to her "Wrath" (Ha, see what I did there? Yeahh....forget I said anything)

A wave of art.

With paint marking my finger prints, and torn pages galore, I breath a sigh of relief because my brushes are useful once more. While I'm supposed to be reading The Grapes of Wrath, I'm spending my time painting a grape colored mouse, which closely resembles my first mouse Whiskey.
Lady Whiskey

Who cares if it's not perfect, it's mine and mine alone. To hang above the ladies cage, and advertise my love for the mice. For admires to love, and critics to scowl. "What a peculiar mouse!", some may say. "She is bearing skin of purple and blue!"
Don't be narrow minded, its all I ask of you. See it as you may. Its art that was produced my I, my biggest nay sayer. Beautiful is beautiful, art is art. Enjoy.

Friday, March 15, 2013

The little things.

Today was a normal school day. Boring.
But then again it ended up to be one of the most terrific days ever. From spending time with Rocky, his mom and his nephew, to going out to dinner and the mall and him holding my hand even though I looked terrible today.

Rocky and my past relationships weren't the best. They were terrible to say the least.
I was constantly called fat, ugly, not good enough, etc. He cheated on me multiple times and he constantly told me that it was my fault....and I believed him. I finally moved, but didn't end the relationship because I though that I was worthless, unlovable.  But then out of nowhere comes a boy, the boy I would give everything to in due time but first I would have to go through many more hardships to be happy.

After believing for two years that I was nothing, I've began to love myself again. But none of this could have happened without him, even though he has no idea how much he helps me.

Everyone will one day be happy. It doesn't have to be with someone, but you can make yourself happy. No matter what someone tells you, you are not nothing. You are a beautiful human, with a beautiful soul. The past is the past, and the future is all that really matters. You have purpose, while it may not feel like it now, you are worth so much.

And if you ever feel low, like you're alone, or unloved, you can always remember that there is someone, waiting to meet you. Someone that will make you so unbelievably happy. 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

You are YOU

If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer. Because there is something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit. You built a cast around your broken heart and inside of yourself you decided that they were WRONG. So maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique. Maybe they decided to pick you last for basket ball or everything, so maybe you brought bruises and broken teeth to show and tell but never told...because how can you stand your ground when everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it? You have to believe they were wrong. They have to be wrong. -Shane Koyczan

I hope i never forget this quote. It has been my source of insperation, a reason to push forward, work harder. Who knew one post on facebook could help so much. Every time I read or hear this quote it never fails to give me chill bumps. As a young adult who didn't have the best childhood, it's great to know that I'm not the only one out there. I'm not the only one that knows what it feels like, that some one understands. I know I may never talk to this man or shake his hand, but I know he's out there somewhere and that by far is enough for me.

Always remember,

You are beautiful enough. You are smart enough. You are talented enough.

You are enough.

Well, Hello There

I do believe it's time to get this blog thing up and running.

My name is Courtney Lei. I'm of 17 years of age but I think I'll forever be 10 in my mind. I live in a small but decent town in Alabama that is full of, might I say, interesting people. I am a lover of animals. I have three, 3 mice, and a beta fish. Some may say that I love them a bit to much but who cares. I enjoy doing some sort of art on my free time. Many people tell me that I'm a wonderful artist, but I'm still learning to believe that I really am.

I'm terrible at describing myself, maybe because I'm still finding things about myself. For instance I'm not quite sure what my favorite food is, I have no idea if I like the ocean, or just the beautiful creatures that inhabit it. For the most part, I have no idea who I am but I have a wonderful boyfriend that is helping me figure out everything. But the things I'm sure of, I hold tightly to with a great passion. Yes, I am opinionated, but you will never see my faith in something waver when push comes to shove.

My wonderful boyfriend and me.
Who knows, anything could happen and maybe this blog will help me figure some things out.