Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Chasing my dreams, and then falling on my face.

If there's one thing that everyone should know about me, it's that I hate running. Literally. I HATE it. So therefore I'm not to good at "chasing my dreams." It's very common to hear people say that you are your own worst critic, but I don't think some people completely understand that some of us are SUCH critics that it breaks our dream apart. I'm not just saying that you drew a picture and you thought it was horrible but everyone liked it. No, I'm talking about when you can't decide what you want to do with your life because you don't believe you're good enough, smart enough, or talented enough for anything. I'm told that I'm a good artist, I don't believe I'm talented enough. I'm told that I'm so pretty, that I should be a model...No, I'm not pretty enough. I'm told I should be a lawyer, that I would rock at that job...nah, I'm not smart enough. Singing? Nope, can't sing. Actor? C'mon, how in the world could I ever get famous?
Every dream I ever start to build on, I somehow being to break it down. I'm terrified to go to college. I;m scared to get a job. I'm scared scared sacred of this and that. OF LIFE.
And trust me, I've talked to people and I've gone through counseling. yeah, none of that worked. Someone's mentioned medicine...That's not happening, I barely even like taking Tylenol. But I'm working at it. I'm getting better. I've actually started looking into working in the beauty industry, like selling and merchandising because let me tell you, I LOVE MAKEUP!
I'll keep you posted on the progression or regression on that one.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Victim Shaming is not okay.

No one asks to get raped. Ever.

A wave of art #3-4

 How I love my mice. Let me count the ways.
I don't know why, but lately I've become more and more active with my art supplies. It's so liberating to finish a piece of work and step back, take a deep breath, and know that you made that.
Lately my girls have become my inspiration. Enjoy.


The 'overbearing' boy not so next door

"fan mail" sent to me from a Tumblr user.
*picture and (some of the) username
cut out for privacy
Most girls can remember back in yester-year when you would watch the movies where the girl was with the "wrong guy" and her best friend/admirer finally gets her to break up with her beau and they fall happily in love once she realizes he's the one. Oh, be still my heart! How I yearned for such a beautiful love.
Now that I've grown up and noticed the kinks in those romances..yeah, not so much. From young girls, we were force fed the idea that women should be chased. (not down a dark alley, but that's a whole other post) But when does the innocent flirting begin to go overboard?
As an active user of Tumblr, I do receive a message here and there, sometime's it from lovely people who are pushing me forward, telling me Good luck and God speed! Sometime's it from not so lovely people who aren't so positive, but most of the time... It's from this gentleman. I'm not trying to say in any way that he's a bad person, the conversations I've had with him were very polite. But he knows I'm in a relationship, in fact I've talked about Rocky in multiple conversations, and yet I still receive messages like these.
 I can't exactly put into words how these messages make me feel. Wait, yes I can...UNCOMFORTABLE! It feels as if they're getting progressively...I don't want to say harsher but I'm drawing a blank with my inner thesaurus/dictionary. It's escalated from talking about each others blog and snow and now it's messages like the one's above. I mean, come on, he lives on the other side of the country and now he's wasting his wishes for me to move in next door like in a 90's film.  
Do you have any idea how I can make this stop without being rude?

Friday, March 22, 2013

Liebster Award! ohhhh how exciting.

A wonderful, beautiful person has nominated me for a Liebster Award! Her blog is http://antiwritesstuff.blogspot.com, and to say the least she's absolutely hilarious. When it comes to reading her blog, to me it's like a good book, You just can't stop. She thought I was good enough for this award! Now, what is a Liebster Award you may ask? The Liebster Award helps new bloggers with less than 200 followers to become recognized. How amazing is that? 

Now I must do a couple of things in order to win. 

1) Share 11 things about yourself. 

2) Answer the 11 questions that the person who nominated you asked. 

3) Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, as long as they have under 200 followers too.

 4) Come up with 11 questions to ask the 11 people you nominate. 

5)Thank the person that nominated you and include a link back to their blog

Yippeeee. Let's hit this dusty trail.

Eleven things about myself:

1) I'm a Junior in high school.

2) I love movies.

3) I have and odd obsession for "unusual" animal. (i.e. Mice, Rats, Sphinx Cats)

4) I'm closer to my friends at school than my actually family.

5) I still watch cartoons everyday.

6) I cry every time I watch Charlotte's Web

7) I'm technically a middle child with one half brother(22) and one half sister(1)

8) I have 3 mice (Whisky, Bourbon, & Patron)

9) I love anything that has to do with the ocean.

10) I want to become a Marine Biologist, or an art teacher. Yeah I know, big difference

11) I'm sad to finish this list because I love talking about myself because I always find out 

new things.

Answer the 11 questions that the person who nominated you asked. 

1)What month were you born in?   February

2)What's your favorite holiday?  Christmas

3)What country would you like to travel to the most?  Ohhh, That's a hard one. I've always wanted to travel the world. I mostly want to go to third world countries so I can give back to them.

4)Is there a celebrity you're sick of hearing about?  Kim Kardashian. I mean really, you have all that money and you're going to spend it on a blood facial. Don't you know there's people starving?

5)Favorite flavor of ice cream?  Vanilla

6)Do you have pets?  7 to be exact

7)What is your astrological sign?  Aquarius

8)What kind of movies are your favorite?  Cheesy horror films.

9)How often do you wear makeup?  Almost everyday. I love makeup

10)Are you a morning person?    No.

11)Who inspires you the most in life?   My boyfriend. He has such a positive outlook on life. 

11 bloggers that I nominate are:












The 11 questions for the people I nominated.

1) What do you think makes you unique?
2)Who is your bestfriend?
3) Where do you want to visit the most?
4) What is/was your favorite subject in school?
5) What is your favorite animal?
6) What is your favorite thing to do on the weekend?
7) Do you have any hobbies?
8) What is your favorite band?
9) What is your favorite song?
10) If you could do anything right now, what would it be?
11) What inspires you?

Thursday, March 21, 2013

A Wave of Art #2

While ignoring my copy of Grapes of Wrath, my paint is being used quite lovingly. Spring Break is doing wonderful things to my artistic side. I've completely abandoned my old ways of drawing everything first and thrown my caution to the wind......in a safe way.
My biggest dog, who I refer to as my wonderful box of rocks, Emery helped quite a bit with this piece. The white "scratches" all over the background where inspired by his multiple claw marks throughout the house.  I've always found them sort of pleasing.
As for the woman, well, I don't know where she came from.
I guess it's time for me to put my paint brushes down and pick up the Grapes of Wrath. Hopefully I'll finish it before Spring Break is over so I won't have to listen to her "Wrath" (Ha, see what I did there? Yeahh....forget I said anything)

A wave of art.

With paint marking my finger prints, and torn pages galore, I breath a sigh of relief because my brushes are useful once more. While I'm supposed to be reading The Grapes of Wrath, I'm spending my time painting a grape colored mouse, which closely resembles my first mouse Whiskey.
Lady Whiskey

Who cares if it's not perfect, it's mine and mine alone. To hang above the ladies cage, and advertise my love for the mice. For admires to love, and critics to scowl. "What a peculiar mouse!", some may say. "She is bearing skin of purple and blue!"
Don't be narrow minded, its all I ask of you. See it as you may. Its art that was produced my I, my biggest nay sayer. Beautiful is beautiful, art is art. Enjoy.

Friday, March 15, 2013

The little things.

Today was a normal school day. Boring.
But then again it ended up to be one of the most terrific days ever. From spending time with Rocky, his mom and his nephew, to going out to dinner and the mall and him holding my hand even though I looked terrible today.

Rocky and my past relationships weren't the best. They were terrible to say the least.
I was constantly called fat, ugly, not good enough, etc. He cheated on me multiple times and he constantly told me that it was my fault....and I believed him. I finally moved, but didn't end the relationship because I though that I was worthless, unlovable.  But then out of nowhere comes a boy, the boy I would give everything to in due time but first I would have to go through many more hardships to be happy.

After believing for two years that I was nothing, I've began to love myself again. But none of this could have happened without him, even though he has no idea how much he helps me.

Everyone will one day be happy. It doesn't have to be with someone, but you can make yourself happy. No matter what someone tells you, you are not nothing. You are a beautiful human, with a beautiful soul. The past is the past, and the future is all that really matters. You have purpose, while it may not feel like it now, you are worth so much.

And if you ever feel low, like you're alone, or unloved, you can always remember that there is someone, waiting to meet you. Someone that will make you so unbelievably happy. 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

You are YOU

If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer. Because there is something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit. You built a cast around your broken heart and inside of yourself you decided that they were WRONG. So maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique. Maybe they decided to pick you last for basket ball or everything, so maybe you brought bruises and broken teeth to show and tell but never told...because how can you stand your ground when everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it? You have to believe they were wrong. They have to be wrong. -Shane Koyczan

I hope i never forget this quote. It has been my source of insperation, a reason to push forward, work harder. Who knew one post on facebook could help so much. Every time I read or hear this quote it never fails to give me chill bumps. As a young adult who didn't have the best childhood, it's great to know that I'm not the only one out there. I'm not the only one that knows what it feels like, that some one understands. I know I may never talk to this man or shake his hand, but I know he's out there somewhere and that by far is enough for me.

Always remember,

You are beautiful enough. You are smart enough. You are talented enough.

You are enough.

Well, Hello There

I do believe it's time to get this blog thing up and running.

My name is Courtney Lei. I'm of 17 years of age but I think I'll forever be 10 in my mind. I live in a small but decent town in Alabama that is full of, might I say, interesting people. I am a lover of animals. I have three, 3 mice, and a beta fish. Some may say that I love them a bit to much but who cares. I enjoy doing some sort of art on my free time. Many people tell me that I'm a wonderful artist, but I'm still learning to believe that I really am.

I'm terrible at describing myself, maybe because I'm still finding things about myself. For instance I'm not quite sure what my favorite food is, I have no idea if I like the ocean, or just the beautiful creatures that inhabit it. For the most part, I have no idea who I am but I have a wonderful boyfriend that is helping me figure out everything. But the things I'm sure of, I hold tightly to with a great passion. Yes, I am opinionated, but you will never see my faith in something waver when push comes to shove.

My wonderful boyfriend and me.
Who knows, anything could happen and maybe this blog will help me figure some things out.